Rum, Bum and Baccy

I have just pinched this from my friend Jake (Old Scrotes Home) see the link at the bottom of the page - who has recently pinched it from someone else

How would Nelson have fared if he had been subject to modern health and safety regulations?

"Order the signal to be sent, Hardy."
"Aye, aye sir."
"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
"Sorry sir?"
"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"
"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
"That won't be possible, sir."
"What?"
"Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
"Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
"What? This is mutiny."
"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
"Actually, sir, we're not."
"We're not?"
"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary charge."
"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
"Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And now there's a ban on corporal punishment."
"What about sodomy?"
"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
"In that case... kiss me, Hardy."

Last Run

Sunday was the last run of the season on the old Bikes, we had a 60 mile run which took us from Rawtenstall towards Burnley, then a diverse route over the hills passing Blackshawhead, Colden, Trawden, Laneshaw Bridge, Ponden Reservoir, Stanbury, Oxenhope and stopped for lunch at a pub called "The Delvers" in Wainstalls. This we were told is about 5 miles from Halifax.

The first 40 miles or so were done in slightly inclement weather, but at lunchtime it dried up, and the ride home which took us via Luddendenfoot (Isn't that a wonderful name), Hebden Bridge, Todmorden, Bacup and back to Rawtenstall was a little less damp.

veni, vidi, vici.

Recently via the social networking site that I call Face-Ache, some friends and I have been playing with puns based on the above quotation from Julius Caesar. The real meaning of course is "I came, I saw, I conquered" all three words being the first person perfect tense of the verbs venire, to come: -videre, to see: - vincere, to conquer. The quotation can be found in the writings of Plutarch and Suetonius and was made in c47BC
And of course the classical latin pronunciation would have been wenni, widi, wicki. Forgive my amateurish phonetic interpretation, but I have never mastered the correct OED method.
I have been quite amused by these I hope you are - feel free to send me any more.

veni, vidi, vici - I came, I saw, I conquered

veni, vidi, veggie - I came, I saw, I had a Salad

veni, vidi, verily - I came, I saw, I Concurred

veni, vidi, vd - I came, I saw, I Clapped

veni, vidi, V8 - I came, I saw, I left very Quickly

veni, vidi, viola - I came, I saw, I made a screeching noise

veni, vidi, vacuum - I came, I saw, I cleaned up

veni, vidi, velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around

veni, vidi, vendor - I came, I saw, I sold

veni, vidi, vomit - I came, I saw, I drank too much

veni, vidi, vacuus - I came, I saw, I didn’t think

veni, vidi, venturi - I came, I saw, I created a vacuum

veni, vidi, ventilate - I came, I saw, I breathed fresh air

veni, vidi, velociraptor - I came, I saw, I watched a Spielberg movie

veni, vidi, VCR - I came, I saw, I rented the Video

veni, vidi, vanish - I came, I saw, I disappeared

veni, vidi, varnish - I came, I saw, I had a beautiful finish

veni, vidi, venison - I came, I saw, I ran over a deer

veni, vidi, Volvo - I came, I saw, I failed to indicate

veni, vidi, visa - I came, I saw, I did a little shopping

veni, vidi, V-Rod - I came, I saw, I bought a Harley
veni, vidi, Victoria - I came, I saw, I was not amused
veni, vidi, Vinci - I came, I saw, I smiled enigmatically

Friends

I have been missing for a week or more this time, mainly because an old friend has been rather poorly, and last Thursday he died peacefully at home. Harry was a good old friend, and I shall miss him, I used to spend many an hour playing "grumpy old men" and putting the world to rights with him. He had just passed his 83rd birthday, so, as people say, He'd had a "good innings". His son Gareth is preparing an Obituary, which I will publish here in due course.

On a lighter note, this morning I had a pleasant walk with another friend (and of course Jay the autistic Spaniel) we chatted and tried to put the world to rights. In chatting, mainly about the decline of the English language, I remembered a little story which I will relate here.

A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served Scrod, a Massachusetts specialty. Getting into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I can get Scrod around here?" "Sure," said the cabdriver. "I know a few places... but I can tell you it's not often I hear someone use the third-person pluperfect indicative anymore!"

The Good Life

Lifted our first crop of home grown carrots yesterday afternoon, really quite pleased with the results. We have already had a few lifted to "thin" the row, but noticed one or two getting eaten probably by slugs, and some getting extremely large. I weighed one example at 1lb 2 oz (c 540g)not bad for a single carrot.

The second picture shows the Red Cabbage crop, with baby leeks growing next to them and behind them the celeriac.

All in all, I am pleased with the results for the first year of the raised beds. We have learned a few lessons which will help next year but reading the gardening magazines and books, we should be able to carry on producing some food over the winter, including some salad crops - a few late sown "cut and come again" lettuce can be seen thriving in front of the carrot crop.
The space vacated by the carrots has already been filled with seedlings germinated in a seed tray, of "Durham Early" cabbage, which I am reliably informed give excellent spring Green type crop which can be eaten whenever they look ready.

Ah the good life! I don't suppose Felicity Kendal will come and assist with the weeding!

Deja Vu

Grandson Thomas wearing my Helmet. It almost fits him as well!

It has been a good week in East Lancashire, Had a couple of days work to top up the old Coffers, had a couple of good rides, almost identical to the rides reported a couple of weeks ago. On Thursday I went with Chris and his brother Tony and took them on the same ride as previously reported, via Kettlewell, Coverdale . . . . . . . finishing up in Slaidburn. Tony said that in 17 years of riding Motorbikes, that was the best ride ever! some accolade eh?

Friday I went again with Peter on the Old bikes, this time he went on his beautiful Norton ES2, Just to Slaidburn for a brew and a Scone.

Today I have been on a "Historic Vehicle Cavalcade" Organised by Lancashire Museums, a group of people with Cars ranging from a Model T Ford to E Type Jags and a handfull of motorbikes, my AJS included, travelled from Helmshore Textile museum, to Gawthorpe Hall in Padiham, to Queen street Mill in Burnley and ended up at Townley Hall in Burnley. All fascinating venues, just google any of them for more info, my highlight was the Mill engine at Queen Street Mill steamed up from a Lancashire Boiler. Great day out and met some lovely people in the process

Some of the Bikes on the Heritage Run, A BSA, Two Triumph and a Honda

Weather (or not)

I'm totally fed up with the rain, You would think the Met Office would do something about it. Goodness knows what they actually do on the Air Ministry roof!

It all reminds me of a poem I once knew and still do apparently

The Rain it raineth on the just, and also on the unjust fellah,
But mainly on the just because the unjust steals the just's umbrella.

Somehow, I don't think that was one of Milton's finest.

It is supposedly due to dry up about Wednesday, so I might be able to tidy the Garden, go out on a motorbike or go Fishing without getting saturated.

Just a little picture of a BSA Gold Star DBD34. One of the many bikes on my "Lottery List"